Tag Archives: self esteem

Body Image, part 2

For the past two and a half weeks, I’ve been in treatment for my eating disorder. This is the second time I’ve been in treatment and I’m sharing this with you all because my lymphedema has played a large role in my eating disorder’s complex development and continues to affect my body image every day – something I think most of you can relate to, eating disorder or not.

When I was in middle school, a peer made a comment that stuck with me to this day: “You wouldn’t look so fat if you didn’t have that cankle.” Cankle. She had spit out the word like it was disgusting, ugly, and ever since then I’ve felt the same: because my leg was fat and ugly, I was fat and ugly. If I lost weight, then my leg would get skinnier and I wouldn’t look fat anymore. If it weren’t for my disgusting, ugly, fat leg, I could be happy.

And so began my distorted thinking about my body and my self, one that would hold such a tight grip that, ten years later, I’m still struggling to break free of. I don’t have a real purpose for this post as I’ve spoken about body image and my eating disorder before, but it’s something that’s been on my mind a lot lately. As I re-enter treatment for my body and mind, I’ve been rethinking the way that I treat my leg. I’ve been so spotty in my lymphedema care, usually ignoring it because I’d just be so angry at it. Now, though, I’m in a different mindset. A more therapeutic one. It’s a part of my body that requires special care, just like the parts of me that have been so damaged from my eating disorder. My body as a whole needs as much love and nourishment as I can give it, and that includes lymphedema maintenance.

I’ve been really good about wearing my compression garments every day and what’s helped me is to think about it as though I’m taking daily medicine: I wouldn’t skip my other medications, would I? Of course not! Yeah, it still gets me down a lot, but when I catch myself getting frustrated with my leg or with lymphedema maintenance, I remind myself that if I don’t take care of it like I’m supposed to it will get worse, and then I’ll really have a reason to be upset.

Our lymphedema isn’t our “fault,” it’s not a punishment or something to resent. It also isn’t something we must live our lives for – rather, it’s something we must adjust our lives to. Instead of being upset that I can’t wear short sundresses in the summertime, I need to get excited about the pretty longer skirts and dresses that are available. Instead of getting angry at my leg, I need to take care of it. It’s a part of me, after all, whether I like it or not.

My current mantra.

Okay, with that being said, I need to get something off my chest: I feel absolutely AWFUL about not regularly posting on here in what seems like months. As some of you may know, I run another blog focused on my eating disorder and recovery, and that usually takes precedence. I do promise to upkeep with this blog more often because you all are so wonderful. I have so much love & thankfulness for all of you – you not only read my blog but also actively comment and help one another, and that’s so amazing and beautiful. I couldn’t ask to be part of a better community!!

(PS: I’ve been working on a logo for the site to appear on merchandise, like shirts, tote bags, etc. Exciting! Below is the extremely rough draft; suggestions and comments much appreciated!)

Retail therapy

The other day I spent about $500 on new clothes and harbor absolutely no regrets for doing so. Why? Because I spent the money not on quantity but rather on quality.

Usually, I’m incredibly frugal. I believe in bargain hunting, coupons, and sales racks, and to spend over $10 on a meal usually makes me think twice. When it comes to clothes, however, I subscribe to a different philosophy: to get clothes that last and look great, sometimes you need to spend a little money.

Don’t get me wrong – I don’t drop hundreds of dollars every time I go shopping. I buy basics (tank tops, t-shirts, etc) for fairly cheap at Target, and spend a lot of time in thrift stores and consignment shops. But it’s nice to treat yourself sometimes, don’t you think? Well-made clothing simply looks better, and therefore makes you feel better.

During my retail therapy, I bought three pairs of these awesome pants from Nepal. They are flowy and comfortable, and I’ve gotten compliments every time I wear them. They are light enough to wear on summer nights, and roomy enough for me to wear leggings or tights underneath during the cooler weather in Vermont. Best of all, they camouflage my compression garments nicely! That’s all I really look for in pants these days.

It’s been difficult for me to get dressed recently, because I’ve struggled a lot with my recovery from the eating disorder and feel as if nothing looks good on me anymore. While my sister is dressing up in cute skirts and tops, I’m in baggy shirts and pants, hiding my body. I look like a dumpy, drab slob. It’s frustrating beyond belief, and I’m trying to change the way that I regard my body – hence the retail therapy. So, here’s to hoping that having nice clothes will enable me to feel better while wearing them! I would love to have some confidence back.

What about you? What do you do to boost your self-esteem? Please share in the comments section below!

Getting Personal

Hey, all. Living with this disease has not been easy. Growing up, I always knew one of my legs was bigger than the other – we just didn’t have a name for it yet. I wasn’t diagnosed until my sophomore or junior year of high school, when one of my mother’s friends came over. She was a plastic surgeon who was going to look at my leg to see if I could get reconstructive surgery. As soon as she saw it, however, she said surgery wouldn’t help, because it seemed that I had lymphedema. My pediatrician never recognized it as lymphedema and was actually surprised when I proposed it. She had no real idea of what to do about it.

I was teased because of my condition. In middle school, girls told me I had a “cankle”, and that it meant that I was fat. In high school, people would sometimes point it out and ask questions or make fun, and it killed my self esteem. I became obsessive, checking how my leg looked in the mirror the way most teenage girls will check out their butt. I felt ugly, and fat, and worthless. I would often break down in tears before school or before going out at night, because I thought I looked terrible and my leg was huge. I felt I was unlovable and undesirable, simply disgusting. I developed an eating disorder in hopes that, if I lost weight, the ankle would lose weight, too. Obviously, this didn’t work, but that’s a whole ‘nother story..

I was really resentful of myself for a long time, feeling especially hopeless because there’s no real cure and it actually gets worse over time. I saw those people on Discovery Health with elephantitis, and I would become so afraid. I didn’t want to become that – I still don’t! However, I’ve educated myself about it and how to take care of my lymphedema so that it doesn’t become out of control. I know a lot more now than I did in the beginning, and that’s made so much of a difference in the way that I see myself.

I’m told that I’m lucky because my lymphedema is pretty mild compared to that of others. “I barely notice it,” people have said, “I wouldn’t have seen it unless you pointed it out.” No matter how many times people have said these things, though, it can never take away the underlying frustration and loneliness. One of the worst things of having lymphedema, is feeling that there is no one my age to talk to about it.

So this blog is my efforts to reach out to people – of all ages! – to share their experiences or even just feel a little less lonely with their disease. I am so much more than my disease, and you are, too.

xxo Alexa